||[Nov. 10th, 2013|01:07 am]
Why doesn't she trust me? I have been unable to find a answer. Why lock the door? Why would you hide? What is she running from? It baffles, I have even tried to think from her point of view. I understand that she wants space and that she doesn't want to be around me because she wants to get over me. I get that, but why be so secretive? Honesty is a big deal to me. Not so much to her. She swear up and down today in the car that she didn't touch my phone. It was just like the hotel key card, they I came to see you in the hospital, the I didn't kiss him. Lies, Lies and more Lies. What does she get out of it? Why blame others? She tried to tell me that I deleted his number and his text message history from my phone. I would like everyone to know that I don't delete anything from my phone. I have text messages from 2011 on my phone. It was just like the hotel key, maybe it is yours. I the last time I stayed in a hotel was 10/11/10. It was a days inn. Not a crummy by the hour place. She tried to blame the phone on our son, he is 1. She tried to tell me that she never kissed Heath. But both times she was drunk she told me and showed me how she kissed him. Then it was oh yeah he kissed me. Then she tried to tell me that she came to see me in the hospital and they would not let her see me and that she waited for hours. What she doesn't know is that Luis, Heather and Tomara all came to see me and were there because they got to see me. So more lies. What does she get out of it? Does she believe all the lies herself? Does it make her feel any better about herself? I have never lied to her and never will. I am a man of my word. My word is all I have. If I tell someone that I am going to do something I am going to do it. If I do something wrong or immoral, I don't try to cover it up, I come clean about it. She told me today that she hates my questions. The reason she hates the questions is because she hates the answers. She has to deal with her poor choices, it makes her accountable for her actions. I have come to believe that half the reason she wants to leave is because she cant face the truth. The truth is that she destroyed my world. She made me feel like shit and it was her choice and no one else. She hates that fact and the guilt is hurting her more and more every day. But in life if you make a poor choice and something bad happens you have to deal with the mess that you have made. I explained this to a 8 year old today and he was able to understand that. Gabe asked me why I was not in the military. I explained that I was blind in one eye. He asked what happened and I told him. A kid was talking smack and I threw some tan bark at him. He then threw a rock at me. I made a poor choice now I live every day with the fact that my eye is broken. The 8 year old understood the moral of the story why can't she? I talked to Tom and asked him if I am over reacting with her. If I am asking for to much when it comes to the living arrangements? He said no. I asked him if I was over reacting when it comes to dealing with the loss of her leaving me. He said other then the S.I. no. He said it was all normal. That everyone in my position feels the same way. She told me yesterday that I was unstable and that I was insane. But the only reason that I am unstable is because of her. All of my feelings are perfectly normal ones to have. If you found out that your wife the love of your life was sleeping/seeing with another man what would you feel like? I can answer it for you. Hurt, destroyed, anger, sadness all at the same time. Do you know what upsets me the most? She goes on dates with him and does stuff with him and has a great time. But while we were together I asked he to do the same things and she wouldn't do them. That is the part that drives me crazy. The other thing that really upsets me about her is that she takes my kids to see him and they create a perfect wonder world for them because he has money, and she spends all hers and then has to ask me for more. Then it is time to go with daddy and he doesn't have any money and cant create the fantasy world that mommy did and I am the bad guy. She is fucking her kids up and doesn't even care. That is the worst part. Because it is all about her. It is about what she wants to do to be happy. Another prime example is when my daughter was sick she took her to the park to see him and his kids and he took them out to ice cream, then my daughter vomits on the floor. Just this week my daughter had a 101 degree temp. Mom had plans so she took her out to chili's with her. Great parenting right? But her excuse is that she wanted to go so we went. When a child is 4 they want a lot of things but when you are the adult you do what is right for them not what they want. She also has been letting my daughter sleep in bed with her every night. Because she doesn't have the spine to tell her to go back to her own room. She doesn't want to make her unhappy because that would make her say things like she says to me. Daddy, I don't love you anymore. I understand why she says it but it doesn't make the words any less powerful. It doesn't stop me from hurting inside. So daddy is the bad guy. Mommy is perfect to her. But I am the bad guy because I put her future well being before anything else. Teresa is ok with just fucking her up now and then is going to ask why in 10 years and not be able to figure it out. It was similar to the plan we made. It was the best plan for our kids. It would keep them in there home it would keep make them feel safe. But because mommy doesn't want her life to be that hard she can't go though with the plan. Yes would it be hard to pack a bag for a week to stay some where else because you cant deal with your home life that you have created. Yes it would be hard, but imagine your 4 years old and you have to spend one week at mommy's house and the have to pack your stuff for a week to go to daddy's house for a week? How hard do you think it is going to be for her? She doesn't care because it would be hard for you. That is the difference between Teresa and I. I would walk though fire for those kids. I would do anything for them. I would take a bullet for them. Can she say that she would do the same? She cant even follow a plan that was is best for them. Trust. She doesn't understand what love, trust and loyalty are. This is why humanity sucks. Because greed overrides all, me, me, me, is all she is thinking about.