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Hards Part of Insomnia [Nov. 26th, 2013|09:27 pm]
nicks_lost
The hardest part about insomnia is finding something to do while everyone else is a sleep. I can be rather boring, what really sucks is that I am awake right now and nothing is bothering me. I am very tired and can feel it. Everyone else is a sleep. I am not angry or sad. But I still can't sleep. It is just who I am I guess. I couldn't sleep last night because while I was on the phone at the park someone (couldn't see or find them) threw a rock at me. It freaked me the fuck out. But I can understand that and accept it. My survival instinct took over and I was hyper aware and adrenaline was rushing though my body. But on nights like tonight, I just don't get it. I had a ok day nothing really fun or exciting to report. Just the normal stuff at this point. Talking to a friend... watched some of the shows on the DVR with Teresa. Nothing really crazy or unexpected. Maybe I should ask for some sleeping pills, but I really don't want to have them around. I also don't want to put the chemicals in my body. Guess I will just have to lay here until I fall a sleep.
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Lost some weight!!! [Nov. 23rd, 2013|12:31 pm]
nicks_lost
[mood |pleasedpleased]

I had a really bad night last night. I didn't freak out which was good. I didn't fight which was also good. I kept my mouth shut went drinking with some friends and then got my heartbroken all over again. Then got up this morning and had a really good morning. So that is where I am at. So the long story now. We went and got pizza had a ok day yesterday afternoon. On the way back she tells me that she is playing softball, which is something that I really like to do. Then tells me that I can't play because her new guyfriend is playing. Also at the same time made it seem like she wanted me to watch the kids for her while she was playing with him. It hurt, because I had kept a team going for as long as I did so that I could play and now I am not going to be able to play with her any more. Just for the record, teams don't need guys they need girls. She told me that she would help me find another team that I could play with... like that made me feel any better. I kept my mouth shut and didn't say anything hurtful or out of anger. Once we got home. I jumped into my car and just started to drive and cry. I cried a drove around for a while then went and hung out with some friends and had a few drinks. While doing that I was told that they knew before she asked me for a divorce about the guy friend because she told them. Which is fucked up on there part for not telling me in the first place. So they made it clear that she was cheating on me any way and that I should just move on with my life. I drank some more, then stopped over at Ricky's and he gave me my x-mas gift. He is the only person that really listen's to me sometimes. I have wanted to play Stratego from about a month now and he got me a copy. So then I went home. Sat up all night thinking about why would she cheat on me. How could she do that to me. I get why she cant tell me but why she didn't in the first place was driving me crazy. So I got about 3 hours of sleep and the kids woke me up and she took them to Dunkin and brought me back a coffee. I then got on top of her and made her look me in the eyes and I asked her when it started with the guyfriend. She told me two weeks after she asked me for the divorce. Which is funny because she made a point to come to his going away party even though she was at work. Which was just 4 day after she told me. I also am unsure about a few of the weekends that she went out of town and was going out with "friends". So I took it as a grain of salt, I don't really believe her anymore. Why would someone tell me that she told them she was seeing someone they worked with before she asked me for a divorce. Why would someone make that up? I am also going to have words with Luis. Grown up words about his wife because they told me she was there too... and if he knew and didn't tell me that is messed up too. So then I rolled her over and gave her a back rub. She was worried that I was going to try and have sex with her. lol. Don't get me wrong woke up with morning wood, but really don't trust her which makes for bad sex. Also my kids were awake and there. I acted like I was trying to see what she would do. She didn't really freak out all that much. Not as much as I though she would. Like I though I was going to get a slap and didn't. It was kind of weird. She then took a shower with the kids and I went into her room and took care of my business (the kids were in the shower in my bathroom). She walked in and told me don't make a mess. I then listened to a really good song in the afterglow. It is a Santana song Why don't you and I. She was singing a lot too lol. I don't think she was thinking about me though so it was kind of weird. I am singing a long to a song and thinking about her and she is singing a long and thinking about who? Not me I am guessing. She really does love him I guess. If the time line that was given to me is correct then they started dating and he left TelePacific for her. Once he did that she left me for him. It is all a little romantic really, and that is coming from the guy that is getting left. So she took the kids to sharkreef. While they were gone, I took a shower and weight my self and I am down to 216 lbs and I am really proud of myself for losing the weight that I have lost. I still have some left to loss but wow I am getting there slowly but surly. I might keep going after my goal just to see how low I can go. My goal is 200 so it is getting really close. I might try to get down into the 180 - 190 range. I am not considered overweight for my height and age at 178 pounds so I might shoot for that goal. But that will be a long way off.
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Had a good day [Nov. 21st, 2013|11:45 pm]
nicks_lost
[mood |happyhappy]

I had a really good day today. I did the right thing the whole day and helped a friend. Didn't overstep my bounds and kept it together all day. I only smoked 5 cigarettes all day which is a bonus. I made all the right choices not just for me but for others as well. Even though it is not what I wanted and how I wanted it to work. I was Lawful Good and did what was right. I guess I get a light side point for that. I think if I can just do this more often that I will be a better person all together. I also got to see the other side of my own situation. I got to talk to someone that is going though a similar thing and can see things from a third party stand point. I also fixed a car and got freezing cold and wet. So I hope to do it again sometime, maybe I will maybe I wont just need to keep on going forward.
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Forever... [Nov. 20th, 2013|09:11 pm]
nicks_lost
Sera told me that she could pick up her toys because it would take forever. I told her that it wouldn't take forever. I told her that the definition of forever is something that has no beginning and no ending. I told her that if she just took the first step then it wouldn't be forever. In the end she picked up her toys. She needed a little reminder to keep going but in the end she finished. It was one of those moments in my life that I go wow. I am a really good parent. I just needed to be like that as a husband. I should have been better at explaining things to her in a way that she could understand. I thought that we were going to be together forever. Because we never really had a beginning so we could never have a end. I guess it is a little true she is going to be around for the rest of my life. But we did have a end. A end of the two of us together.
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Feel like a bad parent [Nov. 20th, 2013|04:29 pm]
nicks_lost
I had a really good night last night. Laughed so much that I was crying and couldn't breath. Had a really good night with the guys. Then I came home and tried to get to sleep, but someone turned the heat on and my room was over 80 degrees. I was sweating laying in my bed with no blanket. Between that and the fact that Alex climbed out of his crib and came into my bed I couldn't sleep. Then I overslept my appointment today so I don't get to see Tom this week and need to reschedule for next week. Then I got up and worked on the bills. I got my checks on Tuesday for my disability. So I paid the bills for November and will have a house that works. I then came down two my last two bills this month. The car and Sera's school. The car is two months past due as of 11/19 and Teresa and I owe $860. Neither of us has made a payment on the car in two months. So I only have $800 in my account right now... I asked Teresa if she had any money and she said $200 was all she had. I also got a call from Sera's school telling me that Sera would be unable to attend because the bill is past due. We owe $206 to them. So now I am debating what to do next... Do I pay the car and withdraw her from school, or do I pay the school and pay a little bit on the car and hope we don't get the repo man out here. Its is a really hard choice because her life going forward would be altered either way. Do I risk losing the car? Just for her education. Or take a chance because it is only preschool and have her not go and keep the car. I texted with Teresa and her idea is to trade the new car in for a 2009 SUV. While this would lower the car payment $150 to $200 total each month... it would also raise the amount we spend on gas by $100 - $150 per month... I guess that I should note that she has always wanted a SUV and does not like our new car. But that Car was a compromise between the two of us. I wanted a hybrid ford focus or prius and she wanted a ford edge or explorer. So we settled on a Fusion... It increase the car size which was her biggest thing and it wasn't a gas guzzler which was my biggest thing. So what do I do... either way I would be a bad parent in my book. Lose of a car would be a huge blow to us, but not having her go to school is also a big let down. I talked to my mother about it and she said that if she had the choice it would be pay the car and take her out of school. She said that both my brother and I didn't go to preschool because she could not afford it and that we me both made it though high school. I didn't make me feel any better about it but her opinion is noted. I have also figured out that I am going to have to quit smoking and that I am going to have to stop traveling. Which mean a lot more time to spend sitting around the house and no stress reliever to deal with life. But on the positive side of thing there are many health bonus's to not smoking which is a good thing. Lower's my risk for heart attack, lowers my risk of cancer, and a bunch of other health problems. Which is a good thing I guess. I just need to remember to keep my head level and stay calm as much as possible and breath.
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Working on it [Nov. 18th, 2013|09:53 am]
nicks_lost
I am working on my depression and my anger. I know that I have every right to be angry. I have been told it is the normal response to what is happening. I know it will never really go away and that I will be stuck with it for the rest of my life but, I am at least trying to get control of it. This weekend was good. The kids and I spent a lot of time together without mommy. It was good we played and went to the park. I took them to go see Jolynn. Mommy in the meantime packed a bag and was gone from Friday afternoon until Sunday night again. It has become to normal that I have gotten used to it. It isn't really any different from before. The only difference between now and then is that she would come home and sleep next to me. I had a really good talk with a old friend last night. She is on the female side of this. It is a similar situation that I am in. Only she has figured out 3 months later that she still loves her husband and is wanting to work things out. Mine is a little different because she is never coming back. I can't stomach the idea that she is out with other men and wants to come back. It is like letting someone use your most prized possession and then getting it back. It wouldn't be the same thing that you let them use in the first place. I know that may sound crazy because I do still love her, but it would be something that I would hold over my own head for a very long time. I would never really be able to trust her again. I would not be able to tell her everything. I would not be the same person that I was. I would always have my guard up to keep from getting hurt again. In other news I have been without a phone for three days now. It is dead and gone. Its kind of hard without a phone. I cant talk to anyone and was really worried with the kids if something happened, I would be unable to call 911. I am waiting for the Fed-Ex man to come and bring me the new/old phone. Its really boring. I am going to smoke and try to clean up the garage a little bit before I head out.
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I just want to die [Nov. 12th, 2013|12:48 am]
nicks_lost
[mood |depresseddepressed]

The title says it all. My life is over, at least any life worth living. She went to a lawyer, I am going to have to pay $620 per month for the next 16 years of my life. This will leave me with $1,300 per month to live on and try to find a place for me and my two kids part time. It really isn't worth living for. What kind of life am I going to be able to give them? The same kind my parents gave me? Having to worry about the power or the phone or water turned off every month. Not having any food in the house because we didn't have any money? Having to go out Christmas morning and there was nothing under the tree. What kind of a life is that for them? What hope is there for them? I tried my hardest in life to do the best I can for myself and the last 4 years and 4 months for my children. What are they going to have to show for it? Nothing. They are going to have a dad that is going to have to work himself to death working two jobs just to have a home that they can stay in when he isn't working? I am going to have to work my normal 8 - 4:30 Monday thur Friday, then work 5:oopm to ?? on the weekdays and two 8 hour shifts on the weekends. I still will only be just making it by. I take home $820 every two weeks after taxes and insurance - $310 (child support) = $510 every two weeks. That's $1020 per month take home. A part time job would pay me $8.50 per hour tops. Working if I am lucky 28 hours per work comes out to $476 every two weeks before taxes. So we will say $360 after taxes. That's $720 per month. Total of $1740 per month. My house right now is $850 per month. With the bill's for the house/cell phone it is another $500 to $600. That would leave me with $390 to $490 per month for gas/insurance and food. So yes I could do it and I would be able to see my kids on two evenings during the week and 6 to 8 hours on the weekends. What is the point of living? Is it really worth living at that point? My kids are going to raise by other people and when they do see me I am going to be so tired that I am not going to want to do anything other then sleep. I know some of you are wondering what I would have done to get this treatment? What did he do? I didn't do anything wrong, from a moral stand point. I never hit my wife, I never cheated on her, I was not abusive, we did have disagreements but every couple has them. I tried to give her everything that she ever wanted. I did my best to love her and take in her dreams as my own and make them come true. At one point I worked two jobs just to make sure the bills got paid. She wanted to have kids, even though I didn't want kids, I fathered her three children. She wanted a new car, we went out and got a new car, maybe not the car she wanted but we got a car when we had two perfectly working cars. She wanted me to fly all the way to cape cod to help her parents move, I did it even though we didn't have the money and I had to use what little vacation time I had. I tried my hardest day in and day out to make her happy. So what is the point anymore? Do I live this life just to deal with the pain every day? Just so that every day I can feel tired with no end in sight? So that I can watch my kids grow to hate me more then she has already made them hate me? It is not really worth living, I know that sounds fucked up and people are going to tell me that I am crazy and there is something wrong with me. But it is the truth and how I feel. She would tell me that I am selfish and that I just want attention. But given the fact that she put me in this position does her option really matter at this point? Yes, it would be selfish for me to end my own life because it would be taking the easy path for me. But would me walking the hard path and hating life every single day and wanting to die all the time be any better? If there is a god or something controlling it all, they did a really poor job when creating me and he or she or it is fucked up for making me live this life. Other people would say do it for the children. You have kids and they need you. But given the fact that I am not going to be able to see them but 20 hours every other week. That's 40 hours a month max. Most people work more hours in a single week then that. What are they really going see from me? What would be the difference from that and me not being here at all. I don't really see much. Maybe one day they would go wow he did that for me? But that won't be until they are in there 20's and I don't think I will be able to make it that long, long hours every week and smoking... I don't give myself much more then 15 - 20 years. The heart attack or lung failure will kill me by then. So I guess the only plus would be that they got to see the unhappy shell of me. Some might say, hey you will find someone new and move on. Yeah right, no money to take a girl out, working all the time and the rest of my time is going to be with my kids. What time would I have to meet someone even if I wanted to? I would spend the rest of my life sleeping alone in this bed. I guess people would say hey what about me your friend? What friends? Read the above lines and tell me what time would have for friends, if you can find it please let me know.
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Worst Sex Ever [Nov. 11th, 2013|03:01 am]
nicks_lost
[mood |awake]

I have just has the worst sex ever. Well maybe not ever but really close to it. So she came home and striped in front of me and said she wanted to have sex. At first I was like huh? Then she tells me that we are still get divorced and that she will have sex with me but that we are still getting divorced and she doesn't want me to kiss her. I agreed not realizing what it all meant, I was half a sleep still and was just going with the flow. So after no for play we just jump right to it. She just was just laying there... like a dead fish. Anytime I would try to do anything to arouse her she would tell me to stop. It was like being set up for failure. I don't know if she was trying to have the worst sex ever or what but its really easy to do. Don't do anything and anything that the other person does to turn you on tell them to stop. After about 30 minutes of just in and out missionary, with no kissing and I couldn't really touch her anywhere. I had her roll over. I did it doggie style face down ass up. That lasted about 5 or 6 minutes and she pulled forward and told me to stop and it came out all over her backside. I wiped her off and she was done, well she just didn't want to go anymore. After the fact she tells me that she doesn't feel it. Well duh... if there is no feeling and you are trying not to get off and you don't want to kiss what do you think that you are going to be feeling?? I tell her that she set it up for failure. I told her that because she would not kiss me she was going to be unable to feel it. She then said that she would kiss me. She kissed me once on the mouth, like full on let me have it. I was at that point that I knew she was feeling it. Unable to deal with those feeling she went to her room and went to bed. Also mixed in to all that we talking about the divorce and how she is going to screw me over and that its the law and she really doesn't want to. I explained to her that it may be the law but that if we are going to be splitting the kids 50/50 then why does either of us need to pay child support. She would just say that I had to and that she was not giving up her kids. I explained that I was not either. I said fine if she wants to do it that way then she can pay child support and that I would be the primary for the kids. She then looked at it that way and could see how I felt and why. She said that the courts would not give me custody. She said that I would not be able to afford to pay for the kids. I don't think she really though that statement though. I would be able to afford the kids and a home if I didn't have to pay her child support. She then started to talk about how living in the same house is not going to work because we fight and she doesn't want to do it in front of the kids. We have had disagreements yes but full on fights no. Have we both gotten mad and said things that we didn't mean yes. But I have never hit her, pushed her or anything close to it. So my guess is that from here she is going to live her and continue to not pay the bills and spend her money on the kids and save a little so that she can move out find her own place and leave me with the bills. So it ended with I am tired, I have to go to work in the morning, just like every other time. I got to see the back of her head again. I hate people, in general, why would you set something up for failure and then go haha it failed and say that you tired and it didn't work. I guess that's just how people work. I am going to try it but not really going to try it, then say I don't like it but I tried it. It reminds me of my kids saying daddy, I don't like that, how do you know you didn't even try it, they then tell me that they know that they don't like it and that they don't need to try it. I make them try it and most of the time they then say they don't like it. Now I am up and really need to be sleeping because the kids are going to have me up at the ass crake of dawn.
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Trust [Nov. 10th, 2013|01:07 am]
nicks_lost
[mood |okayokay]

Why doesn't she trust me? I have been unable to find a answer. Why lock the door? Why would you hide? What is she running from? It baffles, I have even tried to think from her point of view. I understand that she wants space and that she doesn't want to be around me because she wants to get over me. I get that, but why be so secretive? Honesty is a big deal to me. Not so much to her. She swear up and down today in the car that she didn't touch my phone. It was just like the hotel key card, they I came to see you in the hospital, the I didn't kiss him. Lies, Lies and more Lies. What does she get out of it? Why blame others? She tried to tell me that I deleted his number and his text message history from my phone. I would like everyone to know that I don't delete anything from my phone. I have text messages from 2011 on my phone. It was just like the hotel key, maybe it is yours. I the last time I stayed in a hotel was 10/11/10. It was a days inn. Not a crummy by the hour place. She tried to blame the phone on our son, he is 1. She tried to tell me that she never kissed Heath. But both times she was drunk she told me and showed me how she kissed him. Then it was oh yeah he kissed me. Then she tried to tell me that she came to see me in the hospital and they would not let her see me and that she waited for hours. What she doesn't know is that Luis, Heather and Tomara all came to see me and were there because they got to see me. So more lies. What does she get out of it? Does she believe all the lies herself? Does it make her feel any better about herself? I have never lied to her and never will. I am a man of my word. My word is all I have. If I tell someone that I am going to do something I am going to do it. If I do something wrong or immoral, I don't try to cover it up, I come clean about it. She told me today that she hates my questions. The reason she hates the questions is because she hates the answers. She has to deal with her poor choices, it makes her accountable for her actions. I have come to believe that half the reason she wants to leave is because she cant face the truth. The truth is that she destroyed my world. She made me feel like shit and it was her choice and no one else. She hates that fact and the guilt is hurting her more and more every day. But in life if you make a poor choice and something bad happens you have to deal with the mess that you have made. I explained this to a 8 year old today and he was able to understand that. Gabe asked me why I was not in the military. I explained that I was blind in one eye. He asked what happened and I told him. A kid was talking smack and I threw some tan bark at him. He then threw a rock at me. I made a poor choice now I live every day with the fact that my eye is broken. The 8 year old understood the moral of the story why can't she? I talked to Tom and asked him if I am over reacting with her. If I am asking for to much when it comes to the living arrangements? He said no. I asked him if I was over reacting when it comes to dealing with the loss of her leaving me. He said other then the S.I. no. He said it was all normal. That everyone in my position feels the same way. She told me yesterday that I was unstable and that I was insane. But the only reason that I am unstable is because of her. All of my feelings are perfectly normal ones to have. If you found out that your wife the love of your life was sleeping/seeing with another man what would you feel like? I can answer it for you. Hurt, destroyed, anger, sadness all at the same time. Do you know what upsets me the most? She goes on dates with him and does stuff with him and has a great time. But while we were together I asked he to do the same things and she wouldn't do them. That is the part that drives me crazy. The other thing that really upsets me about her is that she takes my kids to see him and they create a perfect wonder world for them because he has money, and she spends all hers and then has to ask me for more. Then it is time to go with daddy and he doesn't have any money and cant create the fantasy world that mommy did and I am the bad guy. She is fucking her kids up and doesn't even care. That is the worst part. Because it is all about her. It is about what she wants to do to be happy. Another prime example is when my daughter was sick she took her to the park to see him and his kids and he took them out to ice cream, then my daughter vomits on the floor. Just this week my daughter had a 101 degree temp. Mom had plans so she took her out to chili's with her. Great parenting right? But her excuse is that she wanted to go so we went. When a child is 4 they want a lot of things but when you are the adult you do what is right for them not what they want. She also has been letting my daughter sleep in bed with her every night. Because she doesn't have the spine to tell her to go back to her own room. She doesn't want to make her unhappy because that would make her say things like she says to me. Daddy, I don't love you anymore. I understand why she says it but it doesn't make the words any less powerful. It doesn't stop me from hurting inside. So daddy is the bad guy. Mommy is perfect to her. But I am the bad guy because I put her future well being before anything else. Teresa is ok with just fucking her up now and then is going to ask why in 10 years and not be able to figure it out. It was similar to the plan we made. It was the best plan for our kids. It would keep them in there home it would keep make them feel safe. But because mommy doesn't want her life to be that hard she can't go though with the plan. Yes would it be hard to pack a bag for a week to stay some where else because you cant deal with your home life that you have created. Yes it would be hard, but imagine your 4 years old and you have to spend one week at mommy's house and the have to pack your stuff for a week to go to daddy's house for a week? How hard do you think it is going to be for her? She doesn't care because it would be hard for you. That is the difference between Teresa and I. I would walk though fire for those kids. I would do anything for them. I would take a bullet for them. Can she say that she would do the same? She cant even follow a plan that was is best for them. Trust. She doesn't understand what love, trust and loyalty are. This is why humanity sucks. Because greed overrides all, me, me, me, is all she is thinking about.
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Dammit!!! [Nov. 9th, 2013|09:41 am]
nicks_lost
[mood |hornyhorny]

I wonder if she feels the same way? I know she says she doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to be around me any more. But does she want to have sex too? I know that sounds weird but. I really want to have sex right now. I have been walking around with a bulge in my pants all morning. I remember her telling me less that three weeks ago, that she would only want to have sex with me because we are still married at this point and it would be weird if she had sex with anyone else. She isn't in to having sex with random people just because. I am not really into that either but if a attractive female showed up right now I would just throw myself at her. So any way. Yeah how about those Yankees. I woke this morning to her and Alex in my room getting ready for the day. I of course had morning wood and was feeling really horny. I followed her to the guest bathroom and tried to talk but could not find the words. There was a whole lot of uumm and looking around. She asked me a question and I got behind her and kissed her on her exposed back and pulled her in close. There was a few seconds of hesitation on her part before she told me that she was not interested. But I am very being myself would not let go. I really wanted to bend her over the counter right then and there and just pull it out and stick it in her right there. But reality is that she didn't want me too. So I couldn't. Part of me just wants to force her, but the moral side of me says no. I guess it is true sometimes we do have a little devil and little angel on our shoulders. I sided with the angel this time. So now the problem. Why the Dammit... I have gotten myself off twice this morning and it keeps coming back. Is there something wrong with me? I have never had it happen so fast like that. Normally I do it and then I am good for the rest of the day or at least a few hours before it comes back. I really need a girl I guess. I am going to have to work on that. But its really hard lol hard. I went out two weeks ago and there were single females everywhere and I was just frozen. There was nothing that I could do. I don't know life sucks. Going to take a cold shower and try to get out of the house.
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